our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
