at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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