last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
