You can't special order awesome
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
