Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
