My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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