I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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