I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize