I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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