hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize