The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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