My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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