i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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