Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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