He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You pole danced in your parka.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
