I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he fucked my hip out of place.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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