could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My bed smells like the plague
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
