he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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