I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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