I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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