She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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