The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
