did you get engaged???
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
