...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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