happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
