dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
