Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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