you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
