I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Randomize
