can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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