Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
