No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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