I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
