Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
