I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
