i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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