You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish they made helmets for livers.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
