If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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