I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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