Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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