Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am naked and annoyed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
