Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
