Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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