My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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