i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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