I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
