ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
