Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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