Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
