i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
