I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just forgot I was standing up.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
