How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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