We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
