you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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