Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
