I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
