I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think your dad took our porno
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
