it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He shit in the fireplace
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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