she was so not down for the gang bang
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
