Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
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