No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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