Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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