Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
