I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
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