I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
